Letters Volume Twenty-One
This is Volume Twenty-One of the collected letters.
Wherein can be found the anonymous texts of actual letters written to me,and my answers in return. They are included because it has been suggested that the discussions are of value. The letters are presented as a rather loose, ongoing continuous dialogue between a hypothetical questioner, and myself.
You can write to me, too!
These are the Twenty-First set of letters
Reference Topic Index
Relative ONLY to this volume:
For the complete list see main letters page.
really succinct answer to the transsexual question...
The methodology of 'Tucking'....once again.
A letter from the 'Everytrannie', of age 20 -the definitive example of the Big Question
A bright 17 year old asks the tough questions!
How big should my penis be for penile inversion?
I am a 23 year old "male" who has felt for as long as I can remember, that I should have been born a woman. I am in the military, married, and have a son. What should I do??? I desperately want to become the woman I feel I should have been born, but I am worried about loosing my wife, son, and most of all, the ramifications from the military.
In brief, you cannot achieve a victory condition without some collateral damage. Could not resist the jargon. Sorry.
You must accept, if you choose transition, that some of your previous life choices may have been performed either in error, or in a misguided attempt to straighten yourself out. Lots of transsexuals, unfortunately, get tangled up thusly.
To be VERY succinct, if your wife truly loves you, as a person, and not as a role such as 'husband' or 'father', then she and you can become -as far as the outside world is concerned- happy 'lesbians' raising your child together, and everything can work out fine in the end.
specifically mean by this is not that your wife should, or could
become a lesbian, which is impossible, since homosexuality is an
inborn trait just as is transsexuality, but rather that there are
ways to craft a relationship that endures, is lifelong, is as valid
as any marriage, and as deep, with or without sexuality being a part
of it. Sex is easy to get, from many, many sources.
A true, life long partner is not easy to find. It is possible to love another person in a way far more deeply than friendship, but which does not require sexual compatibility. Relationships can be custom designed and do not need to follow traditional patterns.
One must be able to not require that sex be an absolute prerequisite for a lifelong partnership equalling marriage.
If you, or your wife is incapable of this, you will almost certainly lose your wife, your child, and everything.
You will absolutely cease to be in the military. That is a no-brainer.
There is the highest probability that you will lose all the current people in your life, friends, family, associates, in any case. If you are fortunate, you may retain one or two friends of high caliber, if any.
However, be very aware that at age 23, all these things, people, and situations you are involved in will seem like mindless drivel in only ten years, possibly eight. You will look back on all of your current life and wonder why on earth you thought any of it was important at all...with the exception of your child. Almost certainly, you will feel sad about that issue for the rest of your days. Cannot be helped, it's as biological as being transsexual itself. It is very endurable and survivable. It can just hurt occasionally.
The bottom line is that you have to be true to yourself, period. If you really are transsexual -and you had best be DAMN certain about that- then there is no use in putting things off except as a strategy to make them happen more successfully later...as in saving up money or other preparation. It is unfair to everyone to try to be someone you are not. It cannot work, it will fail.
Just, as I said, be damn, damn certain what and who you are. It is a one-way journey.
One last thing: no matter what anyone might try to tell you, being transsexual -just like being gay- has zero effect on children. It cannot corrupt, confuse, damage or hurt them. If you lose your child, it will be because of bigotry, and nothing else. Understand this!
These are the
facts, though put in a way devoid of any padding. Sorry about that. I
am feeling very blunt today.
I have a fairly large penis, and I have difficulty "tucking". Can you help me achieve a flat, smooth appearance of my crotch area. Every time I try to "tuck", I always end up with a definite penile bulge. Any advice you can give me on either or both of these problems would be greatly appreciated.
Jesus! brag, brag, brag.
A big penis is useful for the pre-op transsexual in two ways. One, it makes surgery more successful, because there is more material to work with. Secondly, it generally makes tucking easier...if you are tucking correctly.
Try to insert
the testicles up into the body from whence they descended. Do not
harm yourself, but expect some discomfort. The penis can be brought
back and tightly wedged between the buttocks, pinching it in place.
The longer the penis, the more the 'pinch' seems to work. Then, VERY
tight undergarments must be worn to crush the entire mess into
flatness. Tight support garments or even body suits work. Very tight.
It will not feel good, and chafing will eventually occur, but it will
work. It will take much adjustment to get things just right, and
probably several attempts, at least at first.
This is probably
going to be the craziest e-mail you have
Hi, i'm 20, I dont really "know" myself, and for 2 years i've been trying vigoursly to find out who I really am, what I really am inside. When I was 3 I told my mom that I wanted to be a girl. At about 6 years old I used to dream about changing into a woman. I wondered if I could do that, would it be a good idea to go back and fourth from male and female, but I thought that was a bad idea. I would just stay as female, if i could. I played with dolls and everything when i was little. no big deal. at school i would get asked if i was a boy or a girl up until 7th grade, after that, people said i look like a girl now and then. when i was about 10, i started crossdressing. on some donahue show I saw some women who I wanted to be like. I wanted to be a woman, just like all of them. they were TS, I didn't know what that was, but I kept watching talk shows like that, to learn as much as I could. I learned about hormone therapy from those shows, and I looked in the yellow pages to see if i could find anything. i never did. For whatever reason, I wanted to be a girl. Then a little bit later, I told my mom I hated my penis, and that it has something wrong with it- I later found out that they were erections. She was half asleep in her bed when I told her, I think she pretended not to hear me. One night I was going to stop myself from having an erection, I tried to stop it. I hit it, punched it, all types of things, and then I ended up accidentally masterbating. I had no idea what I had done. I guess I thought it kind of felt good or something, so over the next few years, I must have done it millions of times. I thought it would give me cancer, then I would have to have my penis and testicles removed. Am I sounding crazy yet? At night I would dream of being a woman, in one of my dreams, I was just me, as male, but everybody referred to me as a female. I never really acted male as far as i know, and i dont think i've ever really been a guy inside, but i try my best. I've gotten called mam a few times recently, and that got me worried. Once I was with my mom, and I hadn't shaved in a few days. Now that has brought me to here. At night I wake praying to God to let me be a regular girl, to allow myself to change myself, to be just like any other girl. I dont know why. I just do. Sometimes I cant sleep at night for it, and I cry over the way my body looks. I feel like i'm trapped, like there is no way out. I think about killing myself sometimes, but I doubt I would ever do it. If i looked really really badly masculine though, I would have thrown myself off of a bridge for sure. I try to be cool, I try to be like any other guy, it doesn't work though. I think if I could be a tuff funny guy, and be a lot stronger physically and mentally and stuff that I could be ok. I dont know what I'm thinking. I just want out to be regular whatever. I doubt I'll goto a therapist anytime soon, I Just want to figure everything out by myself. Maybe i'm severely depressed or something. Do I sound crazy? Sometimes I think that I am supposed to be a woman, but how could this be? and I ask myself all of these questions- How could I have ended up here?.. Why me.. and how can i get out of all this and feel alright?
is the quintessential transsexual letter, here folks.
I included it in it's entirety because of that fact...this letter pretty much defines the transsexual voice at age 20.
It's the 'Everytrannie', or at least the Male-To-Female version.
If you see some of yourself here, there should be no surprise in that.
Not crazy in the least. Sounds exactly like me, at a young age. Uncannily so. You can determine who you are, if you try.
Read all the articles you can...there are many right on this site. Take the COGIATI and other gender tests. Learn. And not just from my site, learn all you can, from many sites. Try contacting a gender support center, and actually meeting other people like yourself, to see what you might be getting into. All of these things can assist you to come to know what you want.
But ultimately, YOU have to define who and what you are. That takes understanding what you are feeling, and who you are inside. Only you can do that. Ever. How to do that? No easy way: you have to feel, think, question, learn, and sort yourself out by paying attention to your own insights about yourself.
I cannot tell you what your true answer is...and run, don't walk, from anyone who thinks they can tell you. What and who you are will become evident, as you live, as you try to be you. That is the key, by the way, always acting from your heart, from the part of you that is most 'you'. Troubles come from being a role, a person you are not, just to please others or gain security or acceptance. This does not mean to run amuck, of course...getting along is vital. But, if you can strive to be 'you', whatever that is, watching the problems that you have can show you the answers you seek. For instance, if every way that is natural for you to act seems to be female, and people expect you to be male, and there is constant conflict...and you are miserable because of it, well...that is a BIG hint. There are others. Many are unique to you. Find them.
Give up on the idea that there is any value to being 'just a regular' whatever. You cannot ever be normal, normality is an illusion, a statistical average that society tries to make folks conform to. You are you, and you cannot reasonably succeed at being anyone else. That 'you' may not fit any simply patterns. Accept that as a possibility. The important thing in life is not to be male or female, it is to be yourself.
I am a very successful transsexual woman. I did not go through transition and surgery to be a woman, ultimately I did these things to be myself, whatever that turned out to be. It apparently turned out to be a woman after all. But I am not conventional or normal -and I would not want to be if such actually existed.
Learn all you can, grow, experience, question yourself, and strive to pay attention to how you are when you are being most yourself. Then you will know what you want. When you know what you want, and that moment may not happen soon or easily, then act on it with a full heart.
That is the
best advice I can give. It works.
Let me first tell my story....as a child I play paper dolls and prefer to play with girls....and of course I always have this of one day i will just be a girl....when i am still in elementary...i hate people calling me gay because i am offended...i feel that i am not a gay nor a heteroboy...i feel i am something more...and one more thing gays here in [A Place] are oftentimes regarded as useless by the masses...And now in high school...i am not bothered anymore by those who tease me as gay....I am in fact battling here in our school for acceptance and understanding towards people like me. I am one of the most popular student in our school and President of our Debate Club. I am intelligent, sensible, and open-minded. Honestly, i have suffered discrimination in our school...they are transexualphobic (people who loathe transexuals). I am very expressive of myself....and in fact i wear clothes that are for females and wear make-up because i feel that i am a female...i look like a girl, as my school mates say. Presently, i have a boyfriend. He is my classmate and i never expected and he to never expected that we will become lovers.Ms. Jennifer i got here some questions that i want you to answer...please.....
Is my boyfriend gay? bisexual? or heterosexual?
That is a question so complicated that the gods would have trouble sorting it out. Ask your boyfriend what he thinks he is. It all depends on what he thinks you are, how he relates to you, what you think you are, how you relate to him, and what you feel about each other. Obviously your boyfriend is capable of some bisexuality, and so are you, but so are all primate species, such as human beings.
I am not being mysterious here, it really is a bit of a question. Think about it....on the physical side, you are both currently gay boys. On the neurological side, if you are truly transsexual, then it is a heterosexual relationship between a deformed girl and a boy. If he relates to you as another boy, but you are transsexual, then he is bi or gay, and you are hetero, and if you are not really transsexual, but he really sees you as a girl, then he is straight and you are some flavor of gay.
It's enough to confuse all the Buddahs and spin the head of the Goddess. See what I mean?
So....ask him. If he does not really know, which is possible...I mean it can take a lifetime to truly figure yourself out....then who, frankly, gives a damn? I mean happy is happy, and affection is good, and love is even better, and what ever anyone is, the point of it all is to be happy.
If you like,
you can find definitions for yourselves. But the bottom line is that
you like him and he likes you, I would assume.
If so, then that seems pretty nice to me.
Does it follow that if a heteroman engages in a relationship with a transexual he is bisexual or gay?
Re-read the above, then imagine me trying to sort the question out in that light. I still do not know, and I am 17 years post-op. All I know is loving is nice.
The ultimate answer is that both of you are some kind of Queer. Genderqueer, sexually Queer, some shade of being Queer. You will have to define your own lable. It's define or be defined out there. It's all stuff the Straights would get all freaked out about, by and large. You are different from average, that much is certain.
Revel in it! It is really, REALLY boring to be 'normal'. Trust me.
I consider him heterosexual...he likes me because he says that i am an ideal "girl" to be with....He always want me to feel that i am complete and a real girl....he never had a girlfriend before because he said that he is not looking for a serious relationships..he had a mutual understanding with one girl but his friend betrayed him...he had several sexual experiences with a lot of girls.....And what is more ironic is that he used to hate gays, and then suddenly he fell in love with me....And HE IS REALLY SERIOUS WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP...school authorities and his mother were all aware of our relationship....they say that he is gay because man is only for woman.....but he insist that I am a woman, he is very strong and has fought very much for our relationship.
Well, then, he must care about you. People do not fight for things they do not care about.
Also, people who fuss about hating others are often bothered because they see that very thing in themselves. Those with an issue...have an issue. Hating something takes energy...most people who hate gays, are really just worried about thepart of them that feels Queer things...and they are fighting themselves, by fighting others.
Being cared about is about the best thing life can provide. To hell with anyone that thinks otherwise. That does not mean you may not have to be careful to avoid the wrath of the stupid and the bigoted, or that people will always be nice to you...they won't. What matters is survival....and being true to yourself and who you care about. There is a balance there.
Am i a true girl?
Only you, honestly -I am again not being an ass here- only you can decide that. There is no absolute test, or perfect proof. If you end up fighting for the right to change your sex, and you fight hard enough to win, then, no question, you are and always were, a 'true' girl.
Being a girl or a boy is a matter of identity. Identity is the wiring of your brain. All the plumbing on your body is just meat. Meat can be cut, malformed, killed, sewed up, changed. Your identity is you. It cannot be changed or altered, only destroyed -say by death or stroke or a lobotomy. You are you for as long as you live, and identity is the 'true' part of you. If that part is female, then you are truly female, whatever your body looks like.
Are there any reason for me to be insecure with "real" girls who got the "thing" (vagina)?
That all depends on how important your body image, and internal body map is. For me, it was quite important, I felt like a freak, so I went through transition, and I had surgery, and now I finally feel great about my self. I needed to do that. Only you can decide if the same is true for you.
I am planning to have a sex transplant in the future.....i am curious on the legalities of your new identity....what will happen to your current name? your past? will u still have access on your documents when you are still biologically male?
The way you phrase that is a little confusing, but basically, when I went through transition, I had to change all of my documentation. I changed most everything I could, because I did not want my past haunting me too much. I changed my name, my driver's liscence, my social security, my school records, all that stuff. Of course! I am me now, I would not want my unfortunate birth defect to come up all the time!
Is a heterosexual male "gay" or "bisexual" if he engages in a relationship with a transexual like me who is still biologically male?
Yes, and no.
And both at the same time. In one way of looking at things, neither.
You are Queer, make not doubt. But, what kind of Queer? You tell me. I cannot define you.
Most people would say you are just a gay man. Most people are pretty uneducated, and most people only have an I.Q. of 100.
Most people are functionally illiterate, too.
The opinions of others will try to persecute you for your entire life. Try to learn to ignore them as soon in your life as possible, but always recognize that the monkeys can sometimes become violent. Otherwise, their opinions are the attitudes of simple minded average peons.
Gay people, on average, are one standard deviation smarter than most people, and have an I.Q. around 120. Transsexuals average at 140. It seems to be linked with being Queer. There is also the same degree of increase in creative ability too.
That means, in
short, that you are functionally superior to the people whose
opinions -definitions- you are worrying about.
Always remember that.
Oh, and by the way, that means you. Just asking the tough questions you are asking demonstrates that you are above normal to some degree. That superiority makes your opinion a little more likely to be worthwhile than those around you.
So, what are
you? If you have an answer, a real answer all your own, that you can
feel is true in your own heart and mind...
Then you are right. That is what you are. Well, within reason, of course....if you think you are a Magical Banana from the Universe of Super Heroic Fruit, then it's time to see a doctor. You are not any ludicrous thing you just happen to say you are. But you are capable of deciding your own gender -and sexual- definition all by yourself. In fact, it's the ONLY way that can happen.
Please give a clear cut definition of the term bisexual male. Are bisexuals (in their relationship with males) attracted to men who looks like men only?
Finally, an easy question!
A bisexual is a person who is equally attracted to both sexes and genders, and can and does enjoy sex with both sexes and genders equally.
So, a bisexual male is a male who likes women and men roughly equally, and could be happy in a relationship with either.
This is different from being straight, where a person -only- likes the opposite sex, and being gay, where a person -only- likes the same sex.
A bisexual male could be in a relationship with a man, or with a woman, or even with several partners of both sexes...it all depends on their own life and decisions. They like both genders, each for it's own reasons, and do not have a problem with that fact at all.
A bisexual male
can have any personal preference or individual kink, just like any
person can. Some like their males to be very masculine and their
females to be very feminine, and some like to blend things up a bit,
and some just do not give a damn no matter what. The common element
is simply that they do not have any problem relating to a person
because of their physical sex. They can feel happy being sexual with
males or females equally, whatever their personal spin on that basic definition.
There is no set size expectancy. The average human penis is 5 1/4 inches long, as I remember, and it all comes down to how much depth you want. If you want more depth than the length of your penis, then surgeons will need to harvest skin from another part of your body, most commonly the buttocks.
If your own measurements are above the average, then you are better off, and will need less additional skin, or even no extra skin at all. If you are less, then they will need to harvest to compensate.
This is all affected by how much depth you feel you need to have. If you feel you want a lot of depth, then there must be skin to fill the order. If you do not need much depth, then things might not be an issue.
For instance, some transsexual women know that the are gay as well, and being lesbian, depth is not as much of an issue to them. For lesbians, overall structure of the outer features is usually more important. Heterosexual transsexual women, on the other hand, generally want more depth, so that they can accommodate a male partner in the future. So, clearly, sexual preferences also can affect what a patient wants from the surgeon, and that affects how much skin is needed.
And yes, you CAN...and should...tell a surgeon just what your needs and wishes are. You cannot hope to get what you want unless you make your needs known. I asked for attention to the labia, myself, and my surgeon did his best to do an especially good job in that area. Always remember that you are a paying customer, and that you have the right to make requests. Of course, also remember that surgeons are not gods, and they are just folks doing the best they can.
I can tell you that my experience was that I did not need any additional skin, and I know I was once 7 3/4 inches. So, it is reasonable to assume that something around seven inches is sufficient with no need for additional harvested skin.
I cannot tell you the exact cut off point on the scale. Hee! That....is just a little silly, said that way. Ahem.
Anyway, that is what I know about the topic.
I hope this
helps answer your question.