Letters Volume Thirty-One
This is Volume Thirty-One of the collected letters.
Wherein can be found the anonymous texts of actual letters written to me,and my answers in return. They are included because it has been suggested that the discussions are of value. The letters are presented as a rather loose, ongoing continuous dialogue between a hypothetical questioner, and myself.
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These are the Thirty-First set of letters
Reference Topic Index
Relative ONLY to this volume:
For the complete list see main letters page.
complaint on the issue of transsexual disclosure in dating
Why would a MTF transsexual who likes women want to have surgery?
Can a transsexual claim to think and be what they claim to be?
Any general advice on telling my parents?
Do hormones change your sexual preferences?
What the heck are she-males and she-male porn all about?
First of all, I am an FTM who was impressed by the candor on your website and the site itself. Your advice for MTFs dating men is right on-unfortunately, there are sites out there which say the opposite-that genetic men want mtfs and that is generally not the case.
There was one thing that I saw which was very disappointing though. You indicate that if MTFs date women/lesbians, they don't have to disclose because there isn't danger involved. This is reprehensible. I would venture to say (and I had been part of the lesbian community) that lesbians feel the same way genetic men do about dating MTFs and deserve to know if someone was formerly a man. I also think you are putting a lot of MTFs in the position where they will be very hurt when the lesbian finds out and is no longer interested. Lesbian friends have told me they would get sick if they found out a woman had been a man and they had sex with them.
Frankly, I look very much like a man (unlike lots of MTFs who will never pass) and will be having a phallo and ftms have a lot more acceptance than mtfs in society and dating but I will still tell anyone I date about my status. It is the right thing to do even though a woman would probably never beat me up.
We need to tell everyone to be honest regardless of whether we are dating men or women-otherwise we are setting ourselves up for violence.
Please reconsider the advice you give.
I hear what you are saying, and personally my own behavior is that I have always disclosed who and what I am, in any dating situation. I did this, during my dating years, for two reasons. One reason is that my goal in dating at all was to find a life partner, a permanent relationship. There is no way to have an honest relationship with anyone, if one has to keep such a major part of one's life secret. A long term relationship cannot be based on lies.
The second reason I always disclosed my history is that, in being a transsexual woman, I know that my condition is a natural phenomena caused by developmental interruptions in the womb when I was a fetus. Being a legitimate biological event, transsexuality is defined as having a neurology (and frequently other physical components) literally of a sex, a gender, opposite to genital sex alone. Therefore, a transsexual woman, or transsexual man, is legitimately and actually a man, or woman as they claim to be, despite their current, or long past, genital arrangement. Any perverse and sick bigot who would argue to the contrary, who would be sickened by the plight of a person so hurt by callous Nature, who could not accept a transsexual person as the person they truly are, is contemptible and loathsome, mean and crass, vile and shallow, and it is best to find out if a potential date is such a bigoted dirtbag right up front. This spares one from a broken heart, from finding out one's date is a narrow piece of excrement, just as one is starting to like them.
However, in writing my article, I have to recognize that not everyone who dates does so for my reasons. Not everyone is looking for a life-long mate, a permanent relationship. Many people date simply because they...like to date. People date other people for fun. They date for sex, or for temporary companionship or temporary romance. This is not something I see the value in, but my needs are not important, what is important is providing information to people other than myself, including people with different needs and concerns.
Thus, I stand by what I wrote. The Male-To-Female transsexual should absolutely disclose to a nontranssexual male, because to do otherwise risks death or grievous bodily harm should the misfortune of their birth defect be somehow revealed. This is because, statistically, nontranssexual males are responsible for well over 95% of all violent crime. Men are potentially dangerous. Period. They are, and this is a fact, this is reality. Women are not as potentially dangerous. Again, a fact.
However, the need for a MTF transsexual to disclose their entire personal history to a nontranssexual female, statistically unlikely to ever commit grievous bodily harm, should morally and ethically be no different than the need for a nontranssexual female to disclose their entire personal history to another nontranssexual female.
Because fundamentally I assert, without any question, that a transsexual woman is...a woman. Plain and simple. No more and no less than any other woman, and should not have to carry a permanent onus upon themselves for an event of their birth, a birth defect, which is not their fault, and to which only the most narrow and ignorant of bigots could find issue.
The need for such a woman to disclose their transsexual history to men is predicated only on potential risk, and nothing more.
Bottom line: I am not willing to accept that a transsexual is in any manner or way inferior to a nontranssexual person.
My advice is consistent with that statement, and is the natural and only legitimate extension of that viewpoint.
Any other advice from me than this would equate to calling the transsexual in some way inferior, that the problem others have with the transsexual is legitimate, that bigotry and ignorance should be catered to, to protect the sensitivities of those who are narrow.
If you truly are a transsexual, a Female-To-Male transsexual, then what I am saying ultimately here is that I am, with my statements, defending your legitimacy to your claim of being male. I am refusing to buy into any notion that you are less than a man, that you are not a 'real' man, that you are inferior. For if what I have said above applies to the Male-To-Female transsexual, then it equally applies to the Female-To-Male as well.
If you say that it is somehow moral or ethical for a transsexual to HAVE to ALWAYS disclose their history to any person they intend to date, then you are directly saying that transsexuals are inferior, that they do not deserve the same expectations and freedoms and rights as do nontranssexual human beings.
You are saying that transsexuals must bow to the prejudice of nontranssexuals, to the concern that by merely existing, they will, as you put it, " would get sick if they found out a woman had been a man and they had sex with them." This automatically implies that the transsexual woman in question had indeed once 'been a man' and that is not true. That is a lie.
They may have once had male sex organs, a birth defect they could not help, but I have yet to meet a single MTF transsexual who was ever a 'man'. They know from the earliest what they truly are, or at the very least, that they were not males. This fact is one of the medical definitions of transsexualism. More than this, it is also legitimate; we now know clearly that the brains of transsexuals are truly sexed opposite to the body. Transsexualism is best understood a subtle, or neurological, form of legitimate intersexuality.
If you still think I am wrong, you must take that stand only by admitting you are not truly male, that you are a fake, a falsehood, a copy or an imitation. You must admit that you are inferior in your very soul to a nontranssexual male. I state that this is a lie. I say you are as male as you claim. I say that the transsexual actually is the gender that they claim, despite the handicap of incorrect genitals.
I say you are not fake, not a lie, and not inferior.
The question now is, do you agree with me about your legitimacy?
If you do, then how can you argue that you, and people like you, should not have the inherent right to live like normal people do? To not be forever burdened with some presumed inferiority of birth? Are you, am I, so inferior, that we MUST cater to the narrow and ignorant prejudice (for that is all that causes such 'sickness' at the thought of making love with creatures such as you and I) of nontranssexuals?
I refuse to be made into a nigger. I refuse to ask others to willingly become niggers.
I offer that you need not be made into one either, not even by 'lesbian friends' you have known.
This is my argument, this is my reasoning. This is why I wrote what I did, the way that I did.
I offer that perhaps you would be better served by considering your own position in terms of what you think of yourself, and whether or not you can stand to agree with those who would minimize your claim to your own gender. Prejudice is not merely an external thing; we can carry the seed of it inside ourselves, and we can unknowingly use it to diminish our own lives for the benefit of unworthy others.
Please consider my thoughts. And your own right to legitimacy.
I watched an ABC program this evening about a transsexual woman who is competing on the professional woman's golf tour.
Watching this program reminded me of a burning question I have been harboring. I have a friend who recently did the MTF transition. However, she has a female partner. I do not understand this. Why would a person want to acquire a vagina if they have a female partner?
The answer is simple, but to grasp it, you need to understand that sex and gender, AND sexual preference, are not the same thing.
You see, physical sex is plumbing, the shape of the body, the shape and function of the sex organs. It's all mechanics, just biological machinery. To put it crudely, sex is whether you have a penis or a vagina, and nothing more.
But gender is identity. Gender is what you are inside, who you are inside. Gender is all in the brain, and it's hardwired from before birth.
So, when a normal person is, say, male, they have a male sex to their body, and a male brain in their head. Their sex and gender are both male. And a normal woman, well, she has the same deal in mirror...a female body and a female brain, a female identity.
A transsexual is a person where those two things are literally -not figuratively, not like just imagining things, but really, physically - at odds.
A MTF transsexual starts out life with a literally female brain in a male body. The MTF is just the reverse. The sex is one thing, but the brain wiring is the opposite.
If you have ever lived on a farm, you've doubtless seen or heard of animals like that...it happens to all animals, including humans.
Now, once you have that down, to answer your question directly, you can see that if a transsexual really does have a brain, a gender, that is really and truly what they claim, then you can see that their sexual orientation is also separate.
Some nontranssexual women are lesbians, right? That's because the part of their brain that tells them which sex they prefer tells them they like women.
So, sex, gender and sexual preference are three different things. You can have any combination of those three. Mix and match.
So, some transsexuals are heterosexual, and some are homosexual. Which means that some MTF transsexuals, after they transition and change their bodies to match their brains, still like who they like...that doesn't change just because the body changes. If they preferred girls before, they still will after transition. Why? Because the brain inside that body is a lesbian brain. Sexual preference is hardwired too.
And this is the odd thing, if you think about it...your friend? When she wore a male body, she had a female brain in her head even so, and that brain was lesbian. That stays the same, even after the plumbing gets changed. She was a lesbian all along, wearing a male body. And, since it was the wrong body, the whole thing sucked for her. Which is what drives people to transition.
A woman being with another woman is vastly, vastly different than how a man and a woman are together. It's utterly different. So it's not something a person can have if they keep a male body. You can't be a lesbian in a boy's body. It just doesn't work.
So, why would a person with female anatomy want to be with a female partner?
Because they were born a lesbian. If they were straight, they would prefer men.
The little issue of also being born with the defect of having the wrong sex organs, well, that's a separate issue.
So, in short: transsexuals, after their transition, end up normal people, more or less. That's the point of it. And part of normal people are that some are straight, and some are not, and that's just how it is, even for transsexuals.
A transsexual can be straight, bisexual, lesbian, gay, asexual, pansexual...the sexual interests of a transsexual have nothing to do with their gender identity issues. The two things are separate.
I believe that I am a boy. A boy in a girl's body. I may only be [rather young teen], but I am so sure of what I am. I've been suffering from depression (I'm not quite sure of that, but I would not know what else to call it. I've been sad for a very long time, felt worthless, etc), suicidal thoughts, and self harming mainly because of this horror that is me being... well, WRONG. If it wasn't for my best friend helping me through all this (bless his soul, I love him so much) I wouldn't be here today. He reminds me constantly that I'm a good person, or "awesome!!" as he puts it, and reminds me that one day I WILL be a real man, and that I am one to him anyway.
Anyway, one problem I have: I've got a boyfriend. I am bisexual, and he knows this. I have also had an attempt at explaining my gender issues. He doesn't seem to mind, but the problem is that he is straight. I love that he loves me and accepts me, but he just doesn't seem to understand it *too* well. (But I'm glad he didn't do anything mean! I was so scared of telling him) We haven't been together for long, but we've started getting quite... "touchy". Like feeling each other and stuff. The thing is, I feel so wrong when he touches me because of my body, that I have told him that I do not like it, it feels too wrong. But he seems to forget this (he doesn't touch me, don't worry! He's not a rapist :P), and ask me what I'd like. And I have to keep reminding him, and it makes me feel such guilt. I do not plan to have sex until after I am a boy.
Okay, now... a question. I was talking to an old boyfriend of mine (he used to think he was an mtf, but then realised he's just a crossdresser) and he said to me "You can't think as a proper male yet, unless you've been living as one for years, like me!" and that kind of... upset me (damn me, being upset so easily). Is it true though, 'cause I got kind of angry with him, but then decided just to leave it =/.
Yes, you can indeed get your body fixed one day, so hang in there. Indeed, FTM boys turn out absolutely incredible. So hang in there, because it is definitely worth staying alive and determined for. Arguably, transsexual men turn out better than transsexual women in some ways, and age is not an issue, either. So keep your spirits high, OK? And...save up money, if you can. It will help later.
As for your boyfriend, I understand. I have known a few transsexuals who ended up as gay men after transition. One, in fact, just stayed with his husband from before, who managed to adapt. It's possible, if rare. On the other hand, it is very difficult for most nontranssexuals to comprehend such a strange state of affairs...and so you should keep control of your heart in case your current boyfriend cannot deal with things. I guess my advice is to enjoy your relationship now as best you can, but do not cling too tightly to it, you know?
I disagree with your crossdressing friend. To be transsexual is to have been born with a brain wired, in the womb, to be male or female. A FTM transsexual may not have years of social conditioning to be male, and may not know all of the arbitrary and subtle social 'rules', but that says nothing about who they are inside, or what their thought process is. The brain has a sex, a physical state of wiring, and that is true whatever it has been trained or raised as. Social rules can be learned. My opinion? Ignore stupid judgments of what you are, or are not, by other people. Only you can define your own gender. No one else has anything to say about it. You are what you are, inside your skull. Period. So feel confident, I would say.
And, of course, study the socialization that other boys have, and learn it. You can make up for not having the right childhood yourself, if you try. It's something T people just kind of have to do.
Okay, I have really, really great parents (or at least my mum is, dad thinks he is but I know better) who have always taught me to accept homosexuality and the like. Now, as a [rather young teen] MtoF, I really should be telling them, and I know that it would help me, but I can't bring myself to tell them. I mean, I know they would understand, as we've kind of hit on this when they found out I was cross-dressing, though I told them I was messing around. My good friends all know I'm TS, but I can't bring myself to tell my parents... and I kinda... need advice.
Coming out to your parents...that's a doozy, all right.
I guess....my advice would be this...if you really want to try dealing with such issues, then probably your best bet would be to have a nice quiet, private, heart to heart with your mum, in that you clearly feel she is the safer choice in your letter. Talk to her first, and then ask her about whether or not your dad should know, and how that should happen if so. Moms are more likely to be understanding, usually, and less likely to be violent (my own mother being an exception, of course...my own life was really, really messed up). Chances are she already suspects, from what you say, so that is a good way to begin the discussion.
I guess, If I were you, I would pick a time when dad isn't around, and when your mother is in a decent mood. Quiet time, really. And then I would just explain myself, and all the reasons that I felt the way I did, and all the ways it makes me hurt. I would beg for understanding and compassion, and, basically, help. Just straightforward, honest, plain, and heartfelt. Pretty much there is no better way to do such things, in any case, really.
I guess that's what I would do, and why. Moms are safer. Usually. And they can act as a go-between and buffer for dads, too. Just smart strategy, there.
Ultimately, though, you need to listen to your own gut instincts, about what kind of people your parents are, and what you think is safe for you to do. If you have any reason to fear being harmed or thrown out, then frankly, you should wait until you have some power in your life. That is hard, I know, but the most important thing is always to survive. You can't get what you want and need if you can't survive. You need...to judge your parents carefully, before you come out to them. But, if you truly think your parents are capable of being supportive, of loving you anyway, then the chance to deal with gender issues at a young age is a very great advantage. Weigh things very carefully.
In any case, I wish you only the best, and the best possible outcome, always.
I have always known something was wrong when I look into the mirror and I would like to hormone treatments soon. I am curious about one thing and that is as a predominantly straight male will hormones make me appreciate (see) men in a new light. I would assume after surgery at some point one would want to have sex with the opposite sex. Would this be true?
Sexual preference is hard-wired, just like internal gender. If you like women before hormones, or even complete transition, you will still like women after it is all over. If you already have some suppressed desire for males, that you try not to admit, then, well, that could surface under hormones, sure, because hormones tend to release buried emotions. For that matter, any severely intense life experience may well release buried emotions.
But whatever your attraction, male, female, whatever...it is inborn, and will not change.
You might, however, might find some things that you may have been in denial about.
That's the scoop.
I have an odd question. When looking on the web for honest information about being TG I come across tons of porn sites advertising "she males" etc for the strange of heart I guess. Because I am wanting to take MtoF hormones wouldn't I be correct in what I have read that says my male sex drive/ability would shut down with the introduction of Estrogen? What are these "well hung" shemales all about? I am certainly not into being both sexes at once.
You may not be into being both sexes at once, but there are a small subset of people that are, and there are a larger number of people who are very interested in such individuals. Thus an entire subset of the porn industry is born.
You see, there is a subset of males that have some degree of slightly repressed homosexual attraction, but they do not want to be openly sexual with other males, so the 'she-male', a partially transitioned Male-To-Female (hormones, no surgery), sometimes called a 'transgendered' person, allows such men to fantasize about (or directly experience) playing with somebody else's penis, while not actually admitting to themselves that they are being queer in any way. She-males are popular because they allow some men to engage in homosexual behavior while still imagining that they are straight...but more than this, it allows such men to do so while enjoying the shape of a woman's body as well. For the bisexual or homosexual man in denial, the she-male is a banquet of diverse experiences in one package. It is also very profitable for the she-male, if they are in the porn industry. Males tend to have very strong sex drives, drives they are willing to spend a great deal of money on. Where there is money, and lots and lots of it to be made, there will be porn, catering to every imaginable taste or situation. That is why there are so many porn sites, and specifically why there are so many she-male porn sites.
Since the men who want to play with penises on a female body are turned on by the fact of the penis itself, naturally they tend want it...obvious. That's why the she-males are represented as 'well-hung'. In marketing terms, the 'star of the show' is what is made the most fuss over, and since a she-male is physically female in every respect except in having a penis...that organ becomes the star of their little...show.
Sex drive is tremendously affected by hormones. More accurately, hormones are the reason for having a sex drive at all. The reality is that estrogen reduces male function, and a successful she-male really has to watch dosage and walk a fairly fine line. Full-on, transsexual level hormone treatment is often referred to as chemical castration, which effectively it really is, and male sexual function will go away, eventually altogether. For a she-male to function as a male, they must balance estrogen with their own testosterone levels, to present a female appearance with the ability to have erections.
Which, if you are truly a transsexual, are actually a woman in there, is utterly wonderful, but which if you are a guy to any degree, is a nightmare of impotence. Indeed, going on a course of hormones can often separate the boys from the girls, since any 'real' man would understandibly have a very serious problem with losing the use of his penis, and along with it the typical, male, strong-and-constant need for sex. (not to mention the issues of emotional vulnerability that estrogen can create).
Bottom line: female hormones sooner or later take away male function.