Hello jennifer,

i love your site and i read your column ALL THE TIME , you have helped me personallly with your letters i just want u to know . i am a MTF transexual my name is michele i have been transitioning for about 2 years . i am soooo much happier and learning to accept my pre-op situation is . but i have been unable to save that much money for surgery . which depresses me because i feel i am 100% transexual and i feel  so happy and excited about my new breasts and my softer skin and curvy new body but when i shower or use the bathroom its always reminding me of how far i still have to go ! surgery is definatley something  I NEED for myself. thankfully i am passable at this point and i have had no problem finding men or boyfriends attracted to me. I met and fell in love with a man about 6 months before i transitioned , he accepted me for who i am and loves me for the women i am inside and thankfully to hormones outside as well ,. he says oh i love you i dont care if u get the surgery or NOT. which at first was such a blessing at my early transitioning state and i felt i had found love and acceptance in my transition . Well here we are 2 years later  i am still in the same boat , granted hormones have done  wonderful things for me, i legally and socially am transtioned at this point i have thankfully gotten a "B" cup breast growth ( i was thinking i met need augmentation) but iam happy with what i have , but i have saved NO money for my genital surgery mainly because my "accepting "boyfriend WILL NOT WORK , and i almost feel like he uses my kindness a little bit.  he will not even contribute to the house bills , but with this PRICE$$ comes his acceptance i wonder if it is maybe because i am so generous to him . HE says oh you dont need to waste your money on surgery i love u how you are (the acceptance i loved has turned into a curse seemingly ) because i WANT the surgery, and he will not help me at all attain this goal . i have a really good job at a hospital and i know i could save for the surgery without him sucking me dry .  and he claims he is totally heterosexual and love female anatomy so it would improve our sex life. and he is not attracted to my preop anatomy at all. But i have to think he IS attrated to my money ..

Every form of life has a predator. 

As I learned on my days on the street, there is a class of men called 'Transie Hawks' (also 'Tranny Hawk'). A Tranny Hawk exists by making use of the desperate loneliness of the average MTF transsexual, and uses this in order to secure a work-free easy life. The transsexual thinks they are loved, but in reality they are being used. I was the victim of one, as you are now.

This seems to be purely a problem of the MTF transsexual; I have yet to hear of a similar predator attacking the FTM population. I suspect this is because the Tranny Hawk ultimately will use brutal physical violence, if required, to maintain a terrified, submissive hold on the transsexual victim; such behavior is statistically the sole province of males. Generally, this is not immediately practiced by the Hawk, who initially has no problems with his attentive, supporting, trusting target. The transsexual never thinks they are being exploited, at first. 

This works because the Tranny Hawk is an expert liar, capable of seeming completely sincere, even utterly charming. They often move in very quickly, and once in your home, are very hard to remove. But it can be done, even if you have to move to a new building. Please be careful, Hawks are essentially amoral and slightly sociopathic, so that charm can turn to violence fairly quickly if provoked. Do not yell, or pick a fight. Be very calm, very clear, and very absolute when telling the bastard to leave. Also make sure it is in a public place, or that you have friends around (friends of you, NOT him) at all times until he is gone. Do not let him leave any object behind as a pretense to come back later. Once gone, change all of your locks, and have your friends hang around for a while, and/or check on you regularly. Be alert.

I was once the victim of a Tranny Hawk, which is partly how I know of this. I had a good teacher at the time who explained even more to me about how they work, and what they do. They lie, they cheat, and they steal, and the reason it works is because transsexuals can be very, very lonely, and doubt themselves a lot.

A person who genuinely loves you will WORK with you to help you achieve your dreams, much less your needs. Real love does not leech off of people, it does not tell you one thing and do another, real love is real friendship, and real friends work hard for each other.

A sweet-talking bum who is holding you back and draining your surgery money is a trannie hawk. Period. 

As columnist Dan Savage would put it "DTMFA" - Dump The Mother-Fucker Already. You are being used. You have been sucked in.

And no, he will not ever admit it, say he is sorry, or ever change. He will lie to your face and say I am wrong, that he loves you, and anything else to keep the good life going.

If your lover won't help you survive and achieve your goals, then that lover doesn't love you. That isn't love. 

You already know this stuff - you can't be stupid; you have just been taken in. It happens. It's hard being lonely. Could happen to anyone.

Fix your life, and get it straight. Just be cautious; you ARE dealing with a predator, after all. OK?

Don't say anything until you have prepared to make your move: friends are over, having the locks changed is either done or will be that day, and you are not alone when you confront him. I don't want to be reading some story about how a transsexual woman in the medical industry was stabbed in the face by her boyfriend or something. It happens. I assure you. A lot.

So do this smartly, and strongly, and intelligently. Then make your life decent again, and finish transition, and live well as you should. You don't deserve this.

And you already know it, or you wouldn't be complaining to me. You just needed some permission, and to understand what is what. I know. I've been there.

Let me know how it went, if you would be so kind. So I won't worry. 

ADDENDUM: This writer did indeed write back to me, and this is what she sent:

JENNIFER , thank you so much for the advice , WOW you were right on the money with this one its uncanny. and i didnt even tell u about his angry side. but yes i guess i just needed confirmation i was right about this one. i dont have any transexual girlfriends who would see this coming so it was so nice to share with you. i actually am afraid of him at first i thought oh he loves me so much he is a real man that treats me like a women is treated . but its turned into modern day slavery. iam so unhappy and i would rather be alone i just want to do it safely

It is very easy for this sort of thing to happen to a person. The transsexual woman is very vulnerable, very alone, very needy, and suffers a very great deal; an offer of love can be too much to dare to question in such a state. But question you must!

I know how lonely it can be. However -and however rude or difficult this may be to hear, or for me to say- the chance that any man attracted to you in your half-way state actually being completely indifferent to your status, neither being fetishistically attracted to your paradoxic body, nor repulsed by it is beyond utterly rare. It is, for all intents and purposes, so unlikely as to be impossible. You will be told how much they love you, as a person, and that your sex organs are not an issue, that they just want you for your soul, your mind, your heart... these are the oldest lies that men have ever told women, these are the oldest lies of all. They get a man into a woman's bed, into her heart, and into her pocketbook. These lies are not just told to transsexual women; they are told to all women.

But the Tranny Hawk is expert at applying them to specifically the transsexual woman, because she is working hard to make money for her transition, and she is vastly more vulnerable -easier prey- than the nontranssexual woman. The transsexual woman is, more often than not, desperately, horrifically, profoundly isolated.

I received a letter which I responded to in dialog form, by answering each paragraph with a paragraph of my own. The letter was typical of the more mild, yet still rabidly religious sort of writer I sometimes get, and also the sort of writer that clearly has issues of their own. These sorts of folks ask very rude things, in very rude ways, completely oblivious to how rude they are being; after all, within their worldview, they are being polite and nice. This is because their worldview is based on arbitrary beliefs with little correspondence to reality.

Now I could do several things with such mail; I could, as I generally do, ignore it. I could get all angry and be rude right back, which is just stupid; it serves no value and only makes me upset. Occasionally I gift such a writer, so generous with their bigotry and ignorance with a great present; my snarky side.

It is fun precisely because any person who is so determined to be dim that they choose to be deluded by religion also cannot fully comprehend when they are being insulted by those with a sharper intellect. I get to release my anger, and just maybe, I can get the willfully stupid to begin, perhaps for the very first time, to think for themselves. Double victory. Here is just such an example, provided for fun, yes, but also as an insight into what a lot of people out there think of the transsexual.

You should know your enemy, because you are surrounded.

Additional snarky-notes I have added just for you appear in (Heliotrope)

I HAVE A QUESTION.

Everyone has a right to choose.  We who have never dreamed of a sex change have a RIGHT too!  We have a right not to be deceived into romantic or sexual activity with a woman who used to be a MAN.  Do you consider the rights of everyone?  Do you counsel transsexuals to disclose this information before damaging the psyche of a man who can't live with the thought of having kissed one who used to be a male?

Of course I do. I always tell transsexuals they must tell a prospective sex partner about their past. Not to protect the fragile egos of men; rather because raving bigots tend to kill transsexuals in this circumstance, usually though multiple stabbings culminated with mutilation of the corpse. This is the common M.O. for crimes of this sort.

I don't think transsexuals should ethically HAVE to tell anyone a damn thing about their medical past, but it is wise to do so, to protect them from hate crimes.

(I am constantly amazed at the fragility of the male psyche. Men -like this one, anyway- must have glass psyches.)

In my opinion, hormones, BOOB jobs, and inversion of the appendage doesn't make a man into a woman.  And if you have any spiritual orientation, how can it be okay with GOD to tell Him that He made you wrong???? It is an act of defiance and rebellion against GOD.

You are correct; 'boob jobs'  -by themselves- only change the flesh. Real transsexuals know from birth who and what they are, indeed that is one of the required criteria for allowing anyone to even go through the multi-year process of transition. A real transsexual needs to demonstrate that they have been aware of their true, internal gender since before puberty, before sexuality even begins for them. Gender is mental -spiritual, if you will - and sex is plumbing.

As for the issue of god; perhaps god is perfect, but the flesh is not. Shall you decry god for missing fingers and toes? Is he to blame for babies being born with no eyes, or flippers, or no face? Perhaps it is rebellion against god to fix the holes in the defective hearts of tiny babies?

Real transsexuality is a birth defect, a subset of intersexuality. Intersex is where, instead of missing toes, or having flippers for legs, a baby is born with the neurological wiring of the opposite sex.

And it doesn't happen just in one direction; just as many physiological females are born with the wiring of men, as are physiological males born with the wiring of women. It's equal in distribution. Just like a birth defect would be.

Transsexuality -real transsexuality, not transvestites, or she-males, or what have you - also happens in all other animals, not just humans. It happens to dogs, cats, pigs, rats, horses, sheep, apes, everything. It is a birth defect, and it happens to all creatures. It causes more than just brain changes too...  true transsexuals often have little things different about their bodies and development than normal people. It is a very real, very ancient birth defect. All cultures list transsexuals in their ancient history.

Why does it happen? Why is any baby born with missing fingers or flippers? Chemicals in the environment, hormone surges during pregnancy, infections, parasites, even radiation.

Before you start condemning one birth defect, perhaps you should get straight exactly why you are condemning god for the mistakes that happen in the womb.

I do not approve of you condemning god for birth defects.

Shame on you.

You might as well ask why god doesn't play favorites in disasters, and allows Christians to die horribly at the same rate as any other religion!  Who are you to question god?

Again, shame on you.

Birth defects happen, and god gave us the intelligence to help the little babies who have them.

If you don't agree that we should help poor little babies, then, frankly, you can burn in hell.

(I always love how the religious find it easy to cherry-pick reality, and even their own myths, to serve their current beliefs. They have to, of course, because such belief is far out of step with the real world. But it is fun to throw such foolishness back at them)

I have met a transsexual who is having trouble living with the deception, the defiant rebellion against God, and never feels good about himself any more.  There are always tears in his eyes.  He can't fit in with Christians who are living the TRUTH.  He keeps himself isolated.  But when he finds a mark, one with whom he might carry on romantic desires, he closes in; but he still operates with victim-stance strategy, "if you knew what I've done in the past, you'd never accept me."

Ridiculous presumption about knowing the mind of god inevitably leads people to make those with birth defects feel inferior, full of shame, and damned. Of course your friend feels bad. People constantly make such people feel bad about themselves - yet, like any human being, they try to carry on.

Any Christian who is sure they can speak for god is a blasphemer right there; god speaks for god, and god does the judging. Christians have the job of not judging, and not act like they are 'full of truth'. Being that true is not being humble, and being sure of who is defiant and who is not is itself defiance. I have no time for that, and neither should your friend.

If there were any real Christians around, they would be helping this person get what they need - hormones, surgery, whatever- without judgement, without condemnation, and without pride. They would do it because that is what Christians are charged by Jesus to do; help and serve others, without judgement.

Anyone who says different never read the bible themselves; they just believe the hateful, judgemental crap they are told, by liars that haven't read the book either.

If you are in doubt - go read the damn book!

I understand what he's going through.  I too have done something in the past that can never go away.  I have to disclose the information about my past to any girl with whom I'm establishing a relationship.  And it isn't fair to the rights of the other person if I don't.  And I think the same thing goes for SEX CHANGE.  It isn't fair not to disclose that before any romantic or sexual behavior.

(I figure our mysterious writer here is either a pederast, a rapist, or has some nasty, terminal venerial disease. I'm thinking sex-crime is the more likely. In any case, he is directly equating the status of being transsexual with these very things, things that demand disclosure because of the terrible risk, or wrong, they represent. I object to the notion that transsexuality is the ethical equivalent of rape or contagious disease. To hell with that!)

Only because angry men, specifically, will often kill or mutilate a transsexual if they don't reveal their past, and it is discovered somehow later. Women don't murder like that. Less evil, I guess, or less mean. But the fact is, they don't.

Please write and help me with my feelings.  I have a headache that does not go away ever since I kissed that man.  And he is expecting more, but I have to run.

(I suspect that kind of headache is called 'cognitive dissonance' - the simplest answer, if our author did not like the kiss, is just to shrug, never see the person again, and let the whole thing go. But no, that is not an option, because 'he is expecting more'. So? All it takes is a direct "I'm sorry, but I am not comfortable with this. I can't go out with you anymore. Goodbye." There is a conflict here, and I would think that it is obvious; our writer liked the kiss very much, wants this forbidden transsexual woman, and can't deal with that. My attitude? If you are not mature enough to handle the realities and complexities of sex, you have no business screwing around. What is so hard about saying 'no thank you?' Oh, THAT. That is hard. Very hard. And thus he wants more. I grow weary of men ruled by their penises, while being terrified of 'catching the gay'.)  

If the person you kissed is a true transsexual, a real transsexual, then you still haven't kissed a man. You kissed a woman with a birth defect, nothing more. Even if the person hasn't yet been able to afford surgery. Medical help costs a lot. So if this is the case, you are just a normal, heterosexual man.

But, if the person you kissed is not a true transsexual, if they are just a man, then you are now a faggot. Might as well accept it. It's that simple.

If it turns out that you are a faggot; I at least would not presume to judge you - that is not my job. I do not presume such egotistical things. More power to you. I hope you will be true to yourself and be happy. Maybe you could work for the equal rights of other queers like yourself. That would be righteous; equality is fundamental.

In any case, I wish you the best, whatever you are.

I hope that helps.